EXHIBIT #05 – Missing the Mark


FEAR OF THE WEEK: Giving up the second I miss the mark once.


So, I missed my usual Saturday deadline this last week. Which was…honestly, probably for the best, on a personal level, for multiple reasons:

  • First off, I missed it because I had a writing deadline for a project that I have been struggling to be excited about, but I made a point of using some unexpected free time in the last week to ensure I hit it.*
  • Second, while this was not a reason that I missed it, it was probably good for me to realize at 10:30pm on Saturday night that I was not going to get anything written, or posted, and that that was okay.

Part of the reason I started this project, silly as it is,** was simply for the discipline of making myself write something, basically anything, every week, and put it somewhere publicly visible in order to hold myself accountable. And honestly? I’m pretty proud of myself for managing to hit my arbitrarily chosen deadline for the entire month of January, which makes it a bit easier to forgive myself for being late on this 5th entry.

My mom made a point to me once, that as a kid, and specifically a hyper-perfectionistic one, I had developed the habits of either waiting until the last minute to do thing so that I could forgive myself if they weren’t perfect (see: 95% of papers I wrote during my 10+ years of college) or giving up as soon as things got difficult (see: piano, gymnastics, soccer***, modeling ****, etc.) On a certain level, I suppose it was good that this was brought to my attention so that I could be aware of this tendency in myself and try to take measures against it. On the other side, I sort of wish I had never realized this, or come to the realization on my own, because now I over analyse everything I do, or consider doing, against this metric.

So this is the point where normally this project would die. Where I would decide it’s too hard, it’s unforgiving, it’s unsustainable, I missed one and will obviously miss more so why bother, etc. But the whole point here was to try to get outside my comfort zone and commit to something long-term. And let’s  be real: I know that for all the folks who “like” my Facebook post with the links to these things, maaaybe 20% of those folks click-through and read the whole thing.***** But, the whole point was for me to make a personal commitment to this messy, vulnerable, soul-baring idea of writing a weekly post about some stupid thing that preoccupies my brain, without getting too obsessed with the perfectionistic need to have it read or acknowledged by anyone other than myself.

And so, here it is. Late, boring, and maybe less absurd than I’d like it to be, but necessary. I’m gonna keep writing these, and talking about them, whether anyone pays attention or not. And sometimes they’re gonna be late, and I’m giving myself permission for that to be okay. Because honestly, if I keep giving up even when something is as inconsequential as this dumb blog, how will I get anything else done?




* I actually didn’t hit it. My draft was due by 1 Feb, however you interpret that, and I sent it at like 3pm on 2 Feb because I have a lot of internal and external struggle with deadlines right now. Thankfully, none of the folks expecting it were mad about it…at least, not to my email-face.

** And oh lordy, I know it is very silly.

*** I mean, I guess technically breaking my wrist also played a large part in this, but that might just be me trying to make myself feel like less of a loser.

**** Yes I took a single class and I’m still traumatized shut up.

***** And I’m not hating on that; I’ve analysed a lot of social media engagement metrics in my years of managing pages and I totally understand.

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